God she was beautiful. I never knew I could love something that much especially since we never got to really meet. Why did Ethan and I lose our baby - our daughter? Why were we chosen for this awful tragedy? 'Cause we felt ready. And now all I want to do is cry but I can't. The tears just don't come as easy. I just want to hold her in my arms - to rock her as we both fall asleep in my bed. To see Daddy holding her and singing Oasis softly. The happiness of childbirth was robbed from us. No smiling faces in pictures only memories of pain, tears and the deepest depression we will ever know. I just want her back. And that can't happen. The only way to see her is in my mind. I see her little sleeping face every time I close my eyes. I think about her full head of dark brown wavy hair - how soft it was. Her huge eyes closed softly like they could open any second. Through the slits I saw that they were dark grey-blue like my mom said mine were - perhaps they were going to be brown. Her little nose, so much like her dads - I saw what seed to be the start of a crease like Ethan's. And her lips - so perfect. Perfect little lips. How I would have loved to see her yawn or smile - to suckle in my breast. We looked at her hand and fingers - saw both her ears trying to absorb everything so we'd never forget her. Her face was shaped more like Ethan's too with a more pointed chin then I have. I didn't see a clef at all. I couldn't have dreamt of a more perfect baby - If she had only cried, just took that first breath. When she came out I waited in silence - held my breath and waited - trying to hear evidence of life. Still hoping there had been some sort of mistake. And they cleaned her and put her in a bed in the corner. Ethan went and looked as I tried to finish delivery. "She's beautiful," he said when he came back [and one of the nurses nodded]. She never cried, never blinked, never moved although I still hoped she would. The nurses handed her to us and left the room. I was in so much shock that I couldn't cry. Ethan said she is our 'Angel Child.' [Oasis song] She was wrapped in several blankets and wore a little hat that we got to take home. The hat seems so small but it was quite large on her little head. We waited so long for her arrival. Dreamt of how happy that day would be and it was finally here. And I was so sad I couldn't cry. I didn't know how to act. God she was perfect. The nurse warned us that she wasn't pink. But I didn't notice. She looked perfect and beautiful to us. 3lbs 1.7oz - 16 1/2 inches - 31 weeks 3 days along - July 25th, 2004. No warning. On Friday there was a decrease in activity but her NST was fine and she got the hiccups - she was active that night. Ethan felt her kick. Now we know she was saying good-bye. Maybe she moved during the night, maybe she didn't. I thought I felt her around 10 the next morning but I could have been dreaming. I know I've thought I've felt her move since then - and that's just not possible. I ate like I should have Saturday but didn't really notice anything until the afternoon. I didn't want to seem like I was worrying for nothing so I kept it to myself. But after 2 meals and absolutely no movement for 3 hours I tried to recall the last time I felt her move. I told Ethan my worries and he told me to call the hospital and as I did Ethan dressed. He knew something was wrong and we both had a feeling I might be staying in the hospital for a while. We never expected this. We got to the hospital and got a mean-hearted talking from some lame LPN for walking when I'm on bedrest. I didn't want to wait for a wheel chair, I wanted to hear my babies heart. I concentrated on my belly the whole way to the hospital and felt nothing. I just knew that all would be relieved when the monitor was placed on my belly - we would hear the thumping of our little girl. Doing fine. The monitor was placed on my belly and there was total silence. I knew she was gone. Her heart beat was always so strong and loud and there was not even a whisper of rhythm coming from that speaker. Tears started coming as they turned me from side to side searching for a sound. Ethan held my hand, white as a sheet, he knew too. The nurse left and I used the monitor to search myself. The nurse returned with someone else, both searched - nothing. A small ultrasound was done - 2 different ultrasound technicians. They finally turned to us and simply said, "We don't see a heartbeat." I nodded - that's all I could do. They needed to do a big ultrasound so they had to move us - besides, we had to deliver now. They left us for a moment and closed the door. Ethan and I were clenching hands. We both broke down wailing that "she was our baby," "that's our daughter," "why," "this can't be," and something I almost couldn't stop yelling - "no." I had never seen Ethan like that. I actually never knew he loved her that much. I new he loved her but I never knew he would break down like me. The nurses came with a wheel chair and moved us. They called my parents for us. I had to call the DeHarts to find my parents. I think they moved us to the farthest possible room so we wouldn't disturb others and so we wouldn't have to hear the other moms and babies. This was so unfair, all we could do was cry. They preformed an ultrasound with the big machine. I couldn't look but Ethan did. The tech took all the measurements in silence, told us there was no sign yet of why and gave us her condolences and left. I laid there holding and being held by my husband - my little soccer ball on my belly hat had brought us so much change and joy now held the little body of our dead baby. She was fine just yesterday - we had an ultrasound on Thursday - she was fine. Was it something I did? Maybe I should have eaten before bed - I had gone to bed hungry - did I kill her - I should have been more lateral on bedrest - I should have noticed sooner that something was wrong. Anger towards Dr. Te came because of her lack of care. Part of me wanted to die with our baby - maybe part of me did. I felt like a failure. I kept praying she would move. I knew that I wouldn't die - killing myself would never bring what I needed. I need Ethan. I need his love. Looking at him made it easier, not by much, as this was the worse time in both our lives, but I knew we would make it through together. Not knowing what to expect we waited. Our baby was dead. Our daughter. Our life. Our future. Dead and we held hands, cried, talked and waited. I was hooked up to a blood pressure cuff, an IV of fluids and Magnesium Sulfide to prevent seizures. They drew blood and gave me medication to control my blood pressure and waited more to determine how induction was to be preformed. My cervix was right were it was supposed to be for 31 weeks: high, thick, closed, long, mucus plug still intact Because of the mag a catheter needed to be in place. Then I got sick and really hot - my arm burned, it was side effects from the mag. All I could have was ice. My parents were there by then and David [my brother] had gotten there earlier. The events come in choppy memories - most out of order - the stress and the medication are partly because I really didn't want to think, to remember or to be conscience for any of this. Dr Kaitt came to discuss options for induction. Dr. Minehan came from a family dinner with guests to tell us how sorry he was and how much he was in shock. We appreciated this greatly. A pill (something called Cervidil) a cervical suppository was placed under my cervix. It could be done every 4 hrs a total of 6 times. I was given something for pain and I found it easier to cope with the entire situation. I could talk but it only lasted 30 mins at a time. 3 doses of the pill were given. We checked in at about 5pm and the first dose may have been given at about 10? I'm really not sure. I only dilated 1 cm and didn't efface although I had regular contractions. The last dose did little and we discovered that my cervix was only partially dilated. It was like a funnel. There was no complete opening so no way to break my water. This was when we received the first talk of c-section, but they gave me a double dose and 4 hrs later I was 3 cm and 80% effaced. The baby was still high but they were going to break my water. During these 4 hours I was having some harsh contractions and, after a pain med on a push button didn't work, I got an epidermal. It was just in time - my contractions were off the chart. They broke my water at about 5pm July 25th. Everyone had just left a little earlier and it was just Ethan and I. We had no idea birth would be so soon. I faded in and out of sleep for the next two hours, holding Ethan's hand and watching a movie. At 6:30pm I had a different feeling contraction and, as I hadn't been feeling anything [through the epi] I know something was happening. Ethan called the nurses and then my parents. The nurses came with all the supplies for birth. It was time. I didn't know if I was going to be able to go through with it. I now had to deliver my dead baby. A normal birth is painful but the pain is out weighed by the thought of the baby you will soon get to hold in your arms. We wouldn't get the joy of a live birth. It had come on so quick. 3cm to 10cm in less than 2 hours and the baby’s head was right there. After 2 contractions it was time to push. Ethan squeezed my hand and pushed with me. I stared into his eyes full of concern. Between contractions I shook and whimpered. Why the hell did we have to do this? Why did this happen to us? I think I pushed through 3 or 4 contractions. I felt her head and shoulders. It felt so good when she was out. But she didn't cry. The nurse said, "It's a girl." and we said we knew. No smiles were seen in the room. Her cord was cut and we asked that she be cleaned up. It was silent as I was massaged to deliver the placenta. I heard a sound like a gasp or a gurgle, my heart jumped as I thought it was our baby. But it was just a machine. The placenta was delivered and there was some [visible] calcification. The nurse had told us the cord was around the babies neck very tight - she couldn't even get her finger under it. The cord was also wrapped 3 times around her leg. The cord had probably been pinched causing her death. After we held her we said it was time and they took her to the morgue. My parents came a little later. It all happened so fast. Ethan never left my side. My parents and Kristen went to the morgue to meet our little angel. Ethan's parents called and said they weren't coming. [They said they were too tired.] Ethan broke down on the phone. Hearing him sob "I miss you Dad." broke my heart [and my brother squeezed my hand.] He had cried earlier too because he wanted his parents so bad. I understood completely, I wanted them there too. When they got there I told them they could visit her. Alvarita didn't want to but we thought she should. Some time later I broke down and sobbed for my baby. The nurse brought her back. Ethan and I held her and rocked her. I kissed her forehead. She was so cold. I missed her so bad. Ethan sat on my bed as we tried to figure out how to say good-bye/ Our family came in along with Aunt Dawn and Kristen, both our brother's were there. Janell was passed around the room, everyone (except David which I understand) help her. David held one of my hands, Ethan held the other as we watched everyone say good-bye. I thought about how hard this was and how much it hurt. I had never seen my husband like this. I flash back to him hugging his brother with all his strength, sobbing uncontrollably. David hugged me like that the previous day. I had never seen Ethan like that - it killed me. Yet again the feelings of guilt came. She was passed back to us as my mom went to tell the nurse we were ready. It was silent but for the sniffs and deep breaths. Ethan and I whispered our messages of love and farewell as this was going to be the last time we set eyes upon our precious baby. Our beautiful baby janell. And that was it. This wasn't a new chapter - it was a new book. We weren't going back to before we were pregnant - we now had to live with the loss of a child. Our baby was gone. The hospital gave us a memory box. In it we placed a card from them, her footprints, some snips of her hair, a card that states her full name: Janell Victory Allen; her date of birth: July 25th 2004; weight: 3lbs 1.7oz and length: 16 1/2 inches. Ethan also wrote a little message that says we love her with our whole heart. ...Unfinished...check back later for the rest.