I had no idea I was pregnant. I mean I felt a little "off" but it wasn't anything huge. Neither Ethan nor I had a job. I was living at my parents and Ethan rented a room in a friend's house although he often stayed the night at my parents (in separate rooms). Conception was dated at New Years Day 2004 although we knew it was actually somewhere around the 7th of January.
One day in late January I was eating whip cream out of the can and I ran outside to throw-up off my parents deck. No one was there but Ethan and this made him raise an eyebrow. I, stupidly, thought nothing of it. Then a few weeks later my mom made a comment about how large my chest had gotten and asked if I was pregnant. I laughed and said, "No." I was competing in a beauty pageant they also made comments about how large my chest had gotten; I just thought it was because I had gained weight. It is highly against the rules to be pregnant while competing in these pageants. I didn't win though (thank God!), I was upset but I kept saying that it happened for a reason and about a week later we found out what that reason was.
One night, on the way to Ethan's parents house I mentioned that, although I knew I wasn't pregnant maybe we should buy a test. Ethan claims he knew right then I was pregnant. The next morning I woke-up super early to go to the bathroom, like I had been for the previous month. I took the pregnancy test and there was no doubt: two very dark lines said I was pregnant. I freaked - scared not happy. I just though my stomach was doing flips because I was nervous about the pageant and stuff, little did I know it was the start of morning sickness. Sitting there on the toilet, I started shaking. I had to go wake-up Ethan from the guest-room upstairs. I told him, "Come down stairs I need to talk to you."
"Why?" He said.
"Because I took the test"
"Well, what did it say?"
"Come down stairs."
"What did it say?"
"I wouldn't be waking you up if it was negative. Come down stairs."
We went down stairs and I just started crying. We had no jobs, no money, we weren't married, and we weren't even living together! What were we going to do? We decided I would take another test later incase that test had been faulty (HA!). So from there we just took it one day at a time. Went to the doctor, I started my prenatal vitamins right away, we both started reading books and going on the Internet. Ethan moved back-in with his parents to save money and we both looked for jobs.
Our first time that something was off is late in the first trimester. I had horrible cramps and we though it might be an ectopic pregnancy. We went to the ER and they gave me an ultrasound. Baby was just fine - 10 weeks 3 days. I remember she had little finger buds. It was real. We were really having a baby.
One day in late January I was eating whip cream out of the can and I ran outside to throw-up off my parents deck. No one was there but Ethan and this made him raise an eyebrow. I, stupidly, thought nothing of it. Then a few weeks later my mom made a comment about how large my chest had gotten and asked if I was pregnant. I laughed and said, "No." I was competing in a beauty pageant they also made comments about how large my chest had gotten; I just thought it was because I had gained weight. It is highly against the rules to be pregnant while competing in these pageants. I didn't win though (thank God!), I was upset but I kept saying that it happened for a reason and about a week later we found out what that reason was.
One night, on the way to Ethan's parents house I mentioned that, although I knew I wasn't pregnant maybe we should buy a test. Ethan claims he knew right then I was pregnant. The next morning I woke-up super early to go to the bathroom, like I had been for the previous month. I took the pregnancy test and there was no doubt: two very dark lines said I was pregnant. I freaked - scared not happy. I just though my stomach was doing flips because I was nervous about the pageant and stuff, little did I know it was the start of morning sickness. Sitting there on the toilet, I started shaking. I had to go wake-up Ethan from the guest-room upstairs. I told him, "Come down stairs I need to talk to you."
"Why?" He said.
"Because I took the test"
"Well, what did it say?"
"Come down stairs."
"What did it say?"
"I wouldn't be waking you up if it was negative. Come down stairs."
We went down stairs and I just started crying. We had no jobs, no money, we weren't married, and we weren't even living together! What were we going to do? We decided I would take another test later incase that test had been faulty (HA!). So from there we just took it one day at a time. Went to the doctor, I started my prenatal vitamins right away, we both started reading books and going on the Internet. Ethan moved back-in with his parents to save money and we both looked for jobs.
Our first time that something was off is late in the first trimester. I had horrible cramps and we though it might be an ectopic pregnancy. We went to the ER and they gave me an ultrasound. Baby was just fine - 10 weeks 3 days. I remember she had little finger buds. It was real. We were really having a baby.
Right before Ethan got his job the stress of this huge secret was killing us. Although we had decided to wait until after the first trimester, we had to tell. So we told my mom first and she took it so well, she was more concerned that we wanted to get married before the baby was born. After that we told my dad and he took it well too - he LOVES Ethan and his thoughts were: I can get mad and make this worse or I can accept it, move on and enjoy it. The next day my mom came home with baby cloths and a frame for the first ultrasound. Ethan told his dad privately and then the three of us told his mom. Everyone took it WAY better than we though. I just kept picturing angry parents when you bring home a "F" report card but everyone just kind of took a breath and said, "Well, what now?"
We started planning the wedding right away and the morning sickness got worse. Also right after we told everyone I popped. Seriously, one day there was nothing but a slight bump and the next day I was wearing maternity pants! In fact, I popped so big and so fast the doctor thought it might be twins but I'll get to that later.
My next ultrasound was at about 16 weeks. I was the model for my best friend's ultrasound class. That hour-long ultrasound was recorded on VHS, it was also when we found out our baby was a girl. A little girl. Ethan cried when he came home from work and saw a pink baseball jersey on the kitchen counter, he always wanted a girl. We named her Janell Victory; Janell after Ethan's favorite Aunt and Victory because it is unique and she was our little victory. That ultrasound was also our first hint that something was wrong though. I was 16 weeks and my fundus (top of the uterus) was about 2 inches above my belly button; at 16 weeks your fundus should just be coming above your hip bones.
My next drs appt (17 weeks 6 days) my OB was out of town so I got scheduled with a nurse practitioner. She did an ultrasound on me to see if I was carrying twins since I was so big. She thought she saw 3 legs so she called in Dr M (who is awesome and has been my OBGYN ever since). Dr M measured me and I was measuring in the 3rd trimester! I was diagnosed with a condition called hydramnios or polyhydramnios and he ordered an ultrasound but didn't seem too worried. He said that I would probably just even out. I also got blood drawn for my multiple marker test that day.
We started planning the wedding right away and the morning sickness got worse. Also right after we told everyone I popped. Seriously, one day there was nothing but a slight bump and the next day I was wearing maternity pants! In fact, I popped so big and so fast the doctor thought it might be twins but I'll get to that later.
My next ultrasound was at about 16 weeks. I was the model for my best friend's ultrasound class. That hour-long ultrasound was recorded on VHS, it was also when we found out our baby was a girl. A little girl. Ethan cried when he came home from work and saw a pink baseball jersey on the kitchen counter, he always wanted a girl. We named her Janell Victory; Janell after Ethan's favorite Aunt and Victory because it is unique and she was our little victory. That ultrasound was also our first hint that something was wrong though. I was 16 weeks and my fundus (top of the uterus) was about 2 inches above my belly button; at 16 weeks your fundus should just be coming above your hip bones.
My next drs appt (17 weeks 6 days) my OB was out of town so I got scheduled with a nurse practitioner. She did an ultrasound on me to see if I was carrying twins since I was so big. She thought she saw 3 legs so she called in Dr M (who is awesome and has been my OBGYN ever since). Dr M measured me and I was measuring in the 3rd trimester! I was diagnosed with a condition called hydramnios or polyhydramnios and he ordered an ultrasound but didn't seem too worried. He said that I would probably just even out. I also got blood drawn for my multiple marker test that day.
I got a phone call a week or so later and the nurse told me that the baby was positive for both downs and spinal bifida. She said that I needed to come in for genetic counseling after my ultrasound. I didn't know much about the test then. I didn't know that you can't be positive for both or be positive at all - it's an increased risk... I don't have to tell you how scared we were.
At my ultrasound I was 19 weeks 6 days. The tech was really quiet. I knew that something wasn't right. Janell was measuring perfectly to Sept 23rd but my belly was huge. I had so much amniotic fluid. The tech said a radiologist is the only one qualified to give me the results and there was no radiologist there that day so I'd have to make an appt with my doctor I told her I had genetic counseling the next day and she said that was prefect. I was really scared and worried.
The next day Dr M told me he though Janell had Trisomy 18. My multiple marker was really bad and there were 4 soft markers for downs on the ultrasound. He wanted me to get a fetal heart echo but knew they wouldn't do it unless we got an amnio so he scheduled me for an emergency amnio which meant that I was on-call and when a spot opened up I had to go to the hospital. I was pretty much hysterical - our wedding was in 6 weeks and I was just told that our baby was probably going to die. I called my best friend, my dad and Ethan and didn't get a hold of any of them. 20 minutes later Dr M called me and told me to go to the hospital! Holy crap, no time to prepare! My friend drove me and Ethan and my dad met me there. They did the amnio and told us it would be about 2 weeks for the results.
It was an awful two weeks. Ethan and I were at each others throats with stress. No one talked about Janell anymore and anyone who did referred to her as "the baby." We were all preparing for the worse. There was even talk of postponing the wedding. The ER episode where Carter and his girlfriend had a stillbirth was on during this 2 week hell period. We both watched it thinking that was going to happen to us.
When the 2 weeks was up I had a doctors appt. but the results weren't in yet. Dr M was very apologetic. He discussed termination with me. My mom and I cried. He said that the results might take longer than expected because of my excess amniotic fluid.
On the car ride home I got a call from Dr M. The amnio results were in - 46 perfect X chromosomes! He told me flat out that he was shocked. We still needed a fetal heart echo and he didn't know the extent of the heart problem which meant we might be looking at heart surgery but our baby girl was going to live!
I cannot tell you how great that phone call felt. It honestly felt like a weight was lifted off our shoulders. I got the fetal heart echo and it turned out that Janell's heart was fine. It had a "bright spot" (which is a dense muscle) but the doctor assured us that it would be gone by birth.
After that everything seemed fine, she started kicking and growing and we got married and it was the best time of our lives. Pure joy.
At my appointment just before week 27 I had board-line high blood pressure (bp). I was told to keep an eye on it and if it hit 140/90 to go to labor and delivery at the hospital for tests. Within days my blood pressure hit 140/90 and I was put on full left-side bed rest and a few days after that I was put on blood pressure medicine. I had pregnancy induce hypertension.
I saw the doctor for non-stress tests (NST) at least 2 times a week and had a biophysical profile (BPP) with a perinatologist (high-risk obstetrician) every other week. There are 5 areas of a BPP and each of the five areas have a possible total score of two points, for a total of 10 points. A score of: eight to ten is usually considered normal, six is considered equivocal (uncertain), four or less is considered abnormal. If the score is questionable or abnormal, or if the amniotic fluid volume is too low, additional testing may be needed.
I saw the doctor for non-stress tests (NST) at least 2 times a week and had a biophysical profile (BPP) with a perinatologist (high-risk obstetrician) every other week. There are 5 areas of a BPP and each of the five areas have a possible total score of two points, for a total of 10 points. A score of: eight to ten is usually considered normal, six is considered equivocal (uncertain), four or less is considered abnormal. If the score is questionable or abnormal, or if the amniotic fluid volume is too low, additional testing may be needed.
At 29 weeks things were looking okay; amniotic fluid was getting low but we knew what to expect and what to look for. At week 31 I had a BPP. Janell wasn't moving much and my amniotic fluid index was a 5.5 cm (5 cm or less is considered too low and usually means hospital bedrest or immediate delivery of the baby). Janell had also almost stopped growing, gaining only 5 ounces in the previous two weeks. She was measuring just 3 lbs 2 oz. I cried. I think her BPP score was very low. The Peri. said that I wouldn't go past 35 weeks but due to her IUGR (Intrauterine growth restriction) but I would probably deliver at 33 weeks.
The next day I went in for a NST and was dismissed by a substitute doctor who didn't even enter the room to hear my complaints. Janell was moving very little and I was concerned but I decided that I'd just wait until Monday for my regular doctor to return and see what he had to say.
That night Janell was so active. Ethan and I sat on the couch as she kicked and rolled. Ethan called her his little turkey and we were smiling and talking about how we just wanted her here, in our arms. I'm pretty sure that was the last time I felt her move and I'm so glad Ethan got to feel her that night.
The next morning was Saturday and no different than my other Saturday's on bedrest: ate, watched TV and continued crocheting a blanket for Janell. By about noon I noticed she wasn't moving but this wasn't the first time she had done this so I ate something to get her moving. She would usually get active about a half an hour after meals but this time there was nothing. I ate Egos with syrup thinking the sugar in the syrup would give her the jolt that she needed. Still nothing.
That night Janell was so active. Ethan and I sat on the couch as she kicked and rolled. Ethan called her his little turkey and we were smiling and talking about how we just wanted her here, in our arms. I'm pretty sure that was the last time I felt her move and I'm so glad Ethan got to feel her that night.
The next morning was Saturday and no different than my other Saturday's on bedrest: ate, watched TV and continued crocheting a blanket for Janell. By about noon I noticed she wasn't moving but this wasn't the first time she had done this so I ate something to get her moving. She would usually get active about a half an hour after meals but this time there was nothing. I ate Egos with syrup thinking the sugar in the syrup would give her the jolt that she needed. Still nothing.
When I told Ethan the look of his face was sheer horror. He grabbed the hospital bag and we headed for the car. He knew something was wrong. I concentrated on my belly as we drove, hoping to feel even the slightest kick. Ethan was speeding. We got the the hospital and I was really laid back - we had done this before and everything was fine. A nurse bitched at me for walking in and I wanted to slap her - my baby wasn't moving I wasn't going to worry about finding a wheel chair.
The nurses whisked us into a small room to do an NST. Janell has a very strong heartbeat so I knew almost immediately that she was gone when they placed the monitor on my belly and there was silence. I turned to Ethan and a tear slid from my eye. "It'll be okay," he said, "just wait." Two or three nurses tried to locate a heartbeat and 2 tried on an ultrasound machine. Finally one turned to us and said, "We are waiting for the big ultrasound machine but it seems that your baby has no heartbeat."
The world crashed around us. Sobbing uncontrollably Ethan and I held each other yelling the normal things parents yell when they lose a child, "Why?" "No, No, No!" "My baby, she was our baby." This had to be wrong - She wasn't supposed to die; I was being watched carefully.
My parents were at a party and we tried hard to get a hold of them but had no luck. We decided to let the nurses try to find them while we were moved to the last room down a long hall - far away from the other mother's that would get to hear their baby's cry as they entered the world. Ethan's parents were on their way home from Europe and there was no way to get a hold of them. The big ultrasound machine was preformed and it confirmed that Janell had died. They started me on an IV with medication to bring my blood pressure down and anti-seizure medication. My bp was 179/118 and I had protein in my urine - full-blown preeclampsia and on my way to a seizure. Ethan would tell me later how scared he and all the nurses where, they though they were going to lose me too. I could have cared less; my baby was gone and I felt like I had nothing else.
This is where things get hazy for me. Due to the medication I was pretty out of it. People were in and out, the TV was on to pass the time and babies cried down the hall. Everyone came, just not in the room. We just waited as they started labor; there was nothing else we could do.
I ended up getting stuck at one cm and getting little sleep that night. The next day I got an epidural and a double dose of cervidil to get me dilated more. I think the magnesium sulfate, which was given to lower my bp and prevent seizures, also slowed my contractions. When everyone left on the evening of July 25th the doctor on-call broke my water and we thought it would still be hours until I delivered. It took me 22 hours to get to 2 cm but only two hours to get from 2 cm to more than 10. The doctor didn't even get in the room in time to help as the nurses and a med student delivered a 3 lb 1.7 oz baby girl who was 16.5 inches at 6:43 p.m. July 25th 2004.
I listened hard for a cry or a breath, any sound to tell me that it was a mistake and she was alive. The whole room was quiet and a machine next to me squeaked and my heart jumped thinking it was her.
The nurses cleaned her up and wrapped her in a Mickey Mouse blanket and put a little hat on her head. Ethan looked at her first as I struggled to deliver the placenta. Ethan told me Janell was beautiful, as did the nurses. After delivery was finally over, Janell was placed in my arms so we could say good-bye. How do you say good-bye the first time you see someone's face? We didn't spend too much time with her; we didn't know what to do and we thought it would be unfair for my parents to see her and not Ethan's parents who would be landing in a few hours so we told the nurse she could take her now and Janell was taken to the morgue.
My parents were called during delivery and they arrived shortly after. They went down to see her in the morgue. That is when Ethan's parents called from their house to say they were sorry and they'd see us tomorrow, that they were too tiered to come see us tonight. Ethan got on the phone with his dad and broke down; he said, "Dad, I miss you." I think they realized then how much we needed them there.
Our little room was full: both sets of parents, our brothers, my best friend and my aunt. I thought it would be best if everyone saw Janell; they were planning on going down to the morgue but we missed her so much we asked to have her brought back to our room. Everyone but my brother held her. Everyone said good-bye and told her how much she was loved. I don't think there have ever been a room filled with so much love and sorrow as our hospital room was that night. Ethan and I then were alone once again with her and we kissed her forehead and cried. It was time to say good-bye forever. And then she was gone.
The nurses whisked us into a small room to do an NST. Janell has a very strong heartbeat so I knew almost immediately that she was gone when they placed the monitor on my belly and there was silence. I turned to Ethan and a tear slid from my eye. "It'll be okay," he said, "just wait." Two or three nurses tried to locate a heartbeat and 2 tried on an ultrasound machine. Finally one turned to us and said, "We are waiting for the big ultrasound machine but it seems that your baby has no heartbeat."
The world crashed around us. Sobbing uncontrollably Ethan and I held each other yelling the normal things parents yell when they lose a child, "Why?" "No, No, No!" "My baby, she was our baby." This had to be wrong - She wasn't supposed to die; I was being watched carefully.
My parents were at a party and we tried hard to get a hold of them but had no luck. We decided to let the nurses try to find them while we were moved to the last room down a long hall - far away from the other mother's that would get to hear their baby's cry as they entered the world. Ethan's parents were on their way home from Europe and there was no way to get a hold of them. The big ultrasound machine was preformed and it confirmed that Janell had died. They started me on an IV with medication to bring my blood pressure down and anti-seizure medication. My bp was 179/118 and I had protein in my urine - full-blown preeclampsia and on my way to a seizure. Ethan would tell me later how scared he and all the nurses where, they though they were going to lose me too. I could have cared less; my baby was gone and I felt like I had nothing else.
This is where things get hazy for me. Due to the medication I was pretty out of it. People were in and out, the TV was on to pass the time and babies cried down the hall. Everyone came, just not in the room. We just waited as they started labor; there was nothing else we could do.
I ended up getting stuck at one cm and getting little sleep that night. The next day I got an epidural and a double dose of cervidil to get me dilated more. I think the magnesium sulfate, which was given to lower my bp and prevent seizures, also slowed my contractions. When everyone left on the evening of July 25th the doctor on-call broke my water and we thought it would still be hours until I delivered. It took me 22 hours to get to 2 cm but only two hours to get from 2 cm to more than 10. The doctor didn't even get in the room in time to help as the nurses and a med student delivered a 3 lb 1.7 oz baby girl who was 16.5 inches at 6:43 p.m. July 25th 2004.
I listened hard for a cry or a breath, any sound to tell me that it was a mistake and she was alive. The whole room was quiet and a machine next to me squeaked and my heart jumped thinking it was her.
The nurses cleaned her up and wrapped her in a Mickey Mouse blanket and put a little hat on her head. Ethan looked at her first as I struggled to deliver the placenta. Ethan told me Janell was beautiful, as did the nurses. After delivery was finally over, Janell was placed in my arms so we could say good-bye. How do you say good-bye the first time you see someone's face? We didn't spend too much time with her; we didn't know what to do and we thought it would be unfair for my parents to see her and not Ethan's parents who would be landing in a few hours so we told the nurse she could take her now and Janell was taken to the morgue.
My parents were called during delivery and they arrived shortly after. They went down to see her in the morgue. That is when Ethan's parents called from their house to say they were sorry and they'd see us tomorrow, that they were too tiered to come see us tonight. Ethan got on the phone with his dad and broke down; he said, "Dad, I miss you." I think they realized then how much we needed them there.
Our little room was full: both sets of parents, our brothers, my best friend and my aunt. I thought it would be best if everyone saw Janell; they were planning on going down to the morgue but we missed her so much we asked to have her brought back to our room. Everyone but my brother held her. Everyone said good-bye and told her how much she was loved. I don't think there have ever been a room filled with so much love and sorrow as our hospital room was that night. Ethan and I then were alone once again with her and we kissed her forehead and cried. It was time to say good-bye forever. And then she was gone.
Janell was born with a full nuchal cord and it was also wrapped 3 times around her leg, so tight in fact, that it left bruising on her body but that is not what killed her. From what we've learned through the pathology of the placenta, Janell’s autopsy and then my pregnancy with Phoenix - Janell was a perfectly healthy baby, just a little small but my placenta was awful which made a weak cord. My placenta was that of a post-term (42+ weeks) pregnancy and I had only been 31 weeks. It was grade 3 (the most severe) and it was determined that it couldn't of sustained her much longer. My placenta made Janell weak which in turn made it so she couldn't roll off her cord but there was no evidence of bruising on her cord so we will never be certain how she really died. It could have been a number of things.
Janell was cremated. We never had a funeral or a ceremony. I have a lot of regrets and guilt about what I did and didn't do with Janell - during and after pregnancy. But we loved her then and we love her now. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Everyday gets better but I never stop missing her. No one will ever stop missing her.
