The Email I sent to family and friends:
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One year ago today a tiny angel graced us with her presence. She came into this world as quickly as she left and she only ever knew love.
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Janell has given us a lot over this past year that I'm sure most parents never expect from their child. She showed us first what parental love feels like, an emotion so strong that there is no words to describe it and the only way to experience it is to be a parent to another. Janell also showed us grief and what it really feels like to lost the thing you love most in the world. She taught us how precious life is and to cherish everyone and everything in it. Janell opened our eyes to a different side of life that I know we didn't really want to see but through that we have met amazing people and learned more than I think we'd care to know about pregnancy. By opening this new door in our hearts, Janell has allowed us to love each other more fully. I never thought that I could love Ethan anymore than I already did but every time I look into his eyes I fall more deeply in love because we have lived through this together. Janell's death also gave opportunity for new life and I'm sure she'll be there as her baby brother enters the world within the next couple months. You see, we miss our little girl everyday and we still cry often because she's not here but we also know what a blessing her short stay was.
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I hope you all today take time out to remember our angel, Janell Victory, by loving each other a little bit more and taking time out for what is truly important.
Ethan took Janell’s first birthday off and it was really nice. I think it would have been way worse had I been home alone all day. We just spent time together. It is so hard to see your husband break down and cry. He's such a big guy... We went and bought balloons - lavender, pink and white - then we wrote messages on them in marker. Ethan wrote on one "We'll see you in heaven someday. Don't forget us." It was so sweet especially since he didn't believe in heaven before we lost Janell. He also wrote things like "Your Dad misses you and loves you." We took the balloons to a park and released then and we cried and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore. Then we went out to dinner with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. It was really a nice night.
First Christmas
Second Christmas
First Birthday
Second Birthday
We’ve started a tradition that every year we buy a “Janell Ornament” and give it to the grandparents and have one for ourselves. This is our Christmas 2004 Janell Ornament, it’s called ‘Angels Embrace’.
The second Christmas was a lot easier emotionally. I think a lot had to do with Janell’s little brother, Phoenix, being in our lives.
Christmas 2005 Ornament - ‘Angel on Earth’. We thought it was perfect because it’s a little brown haired girl (like Janell) in the arms of an angel.
The Email I sent to family and friends:
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Two years ago our daughter, Janell Victory entered the world silently at 6:48p. She was small and perfect and more beautiful that one could ever imagine. Two years ago we held her, and kissed her and told her that she'd never be forgotten. We have lived our lives for her, knowing that she has given us so much that most would never understand. Our grief is a journey that we'll be on for the rest of our lives because Janell will always be in our hearts. A lot has changed in these past two years - our little Phoenix was born, we've started a non-profit in Janell's memory, we've meet many wonderful people and joined the fight to pass the MISSing Angels Bill in Washington State. We've had good times and bad, and she's been with us through it all.
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*Sleep well sweet angel, Mommy and Daddy miss you terribly, watch out for your little brother and visit us in our dreams... We love you.*
Janell’s second birthday was pretty good. I didn't cry all that much, though I did on the 24th and a bunch on the 23rd.
The 23rd was the last time I felt Janell move and I watched "What Dreams May Come" (one of my favorite movies). At the end the shrink (in heaven) tells Robin Williams' wife "I have a surprise for you," and from behind her she hears "Mommy?" It's her son and daughter. Oh man I was crying. How I would love to hear Janell's voice. After that was "Dragonfly" which I thought was weird. That night, Ethan and I reminisced about feeling her move for the last time.
On the 24th, the day Janell died, I lost it when a man on "Miami Ink" was talking about how his daughter brings meaning to his life. I just broke down.
On the 25th, Janell’s actual birthday, the whole family (including the in-laws) came for dinner and angel food cake. They all brought plants for a memory garden we started. We also ate Angel Food Cake and watched a video montage I made. Everyone cried. Poor Nicé (my brother's friend's 10 year old daughter) really was crying hard. I think hearing about a baby die and seeing pictures of that baby are totally different things. I gave her a big long hug. I wanted to say something but the words didn't come.
Later, Ethan and I released some lady bugs in the yard. There were a TON! They don't sell dragonflies to release but lady bugs are cute and fun too.
Third Christmas
The holidays get easier as time passes but it is still very clear that something will always be missing in our lives.
For this Christmas Janell’s ornament was engraved with her name and date. It has a little poem on it that reads, “When someone you love becomes a memory the memory becomes a treasure.”
